My Whole Life Has Led to This Moment
Where the fuck am I?
A question I've been confronted with a lot the past few months, but not actually in terms of geographical location. It's not destructive like waking up in a stranger's bed after too much to drink, but more like how the hell did I wind up in this completely random scenario, surrounded by people from all over the world, doing some weird activity I never thought I'd be doing (i.e. sound healing with a Peruvian shaman or performing in the middle of the ring at a Muay Thai match with a Russian dance hall crew)?
Those seemingly strange situations that pull you out of tedious monotony and force you to reflect: Where am I? Where have I been? Where am I going? I've always attracted odd encounters, but they really started taking place when my whole life changed at the end of May.
The person I built my world with in Thailand felt distant and far away even while sleeping next to me in bed. I could feel him growing in one direction as I was running full speed in another. We tried living separately to reignite the spark, but no matter how much love was still there, we just couldn't seem to find a flow that served both of our wants and needs. Rather than getting angry, trying to hold him to my own expectations or punishing one another for evolving and changing, we knew it was time to let go. My romantic relationship with Casey ended.
I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach if I think about losing him from my life completely, but at least the initial shock of ~ Do I stay? Do I go? Do I even want to be in this place without him? ~ has subsided. I'm here, Thailand. You've got me. And I know it's exactly where I need to be.
How do I know? Because I'm paying attention to the synchronicities ~ the little pieces of my past that have led me right to this time and place. I've been planting the travel seed since my first road trip at six years old, and my passion for dance stems from an even younger age. Friendships developed long ago are now revealing new pathways years later. It all comes back full circle if you choose to notice.
My entire life has delivered me to the moment I am living right now, and so has yours.
What does that mean for you?
For me, it is a place where travel, dance, yoga, great friends, creativity, exploration and fun surround me. I am free to do whatever I want to do. My relationship with Casey gave me the strength to answer the calling to come to Asia, and now I’m out here figuring out how to navigate it on my own. It’s the first time I’ve been truly by myself in my adult life ~ no roommate, no significant other, no close family nearby ~ and I’m learning what it means for me to thrive.
I still second guess myself a lot and feel guilty for doing things that bring me joy vs. what I feel I “should be doing.” I want to break down those barriers and live my life unapologetically. I want to help others, see the world and continue to grow. I want to expel my insecurities and knock down every wall, opening myself up to the world and all of the people I encounter. I just want to be me and let that shine.